“There are only a handful of teachers that I would consider even as Bodhisattvas… Have you ever encountered a living Buddha? How would I know if I have encountered one?”
Considering Buddha kicked the bucket over 2500 years ago, encountering a living Buddha would be something like a scene out of the Walking Dead. And so my counsel to you would be to do what the famous Ninth Century Master, Lin Chi advised his students to do, which is to KILL that motherfucker.
But remember, the “undead” don’t die the same way we do. Stabbing him in the heart or the gut will achieve jack shit. These enlightened types have a way of rising up again. Just look at our homeboy Jesus, for example. No, if you want them to stay down, you have to go for a head kill. If you haven’t watched the Walking Dead, I suggest you study it closely.
The living Buddha will have certain vulnerable spots around his head – near the eyes, nose and ears – any facial orifice in which a reasonably sharp wooden or metallic implement can be inserted with sufficient thrust. Obviously, you’ll need a significant amount of upper body strength to pull this off. Those post-apocalyptic hero types from the TV shows are all ripped as shit, not a gelatinous couch-potato like you are, so I suggest you do at least 30 minutes of upper body workout everyday with an added focus on your posterior deltoids, your pectorals and your Latissimus Dorsi, which is where the majority of your thrusting torque will be generated.
When encountering the living dead, there is no room for hesitation. They may appear docile, peaceful, equanimous, bemused, beatific or even lost in a trance, yet the moment they notice you they will become savage in demeanor. Your brains are a delicacy to them and their only desire will be to feast on your skull as you spasm pathetically like a fish out of water. You will be converted into just another brainless zombie like the rest of them. Resist AT ALL COST to confuse the undead with the living. You must act decisively and immediately.
At the moment of thrust, you will hear a squelching sound as your weapon of choice penetrates the rotting inner tissue of the Buddha’s head. It will feel like skewering a really big marshmallow with a chopstick. It is important that you FOLLOW THROUGH on your thrust all the way until you reach the end of his skull. If your weapon is able to cleanly break through the opposite cranial wall then that is a guaranteed kill. If it doesn’t, then you may have to thrust again until you do.
An incomplete head kill is about as effective as a tickle. Remember with these undead types, there’s “no one there” and “no-thing” in between their ears. So, nothing short of completely impaling his noggin will do. Or he’ll just end up walking around with your weapon stuck in his head like a human pin cushion yapping brainlessly. And you will be out one weapon…
Beware of the so-called bodhisattvas. They are living souls who emulate the dead and raise them on a pedestal rather than leaving them buried in the ground where they belong. In fact, this is the one fact zombie films get wrong. The dead can’t DIG their own way out of a grave. They have to be EXHUMED by living fools.
And so its these idiot bodhisattvas, gurus and priests who unleash what has been dead and buried for thousands of years, upon the rest of humanity, by believing that their dead ramblings are of greater value than our real-time experiences of life, no matter how dull or mundane they may be.
Once the dead are raised, they have bottomless appetites. And these bodhisattvas and gurus, have built houses of sacrifice to satiate the voracious appetites of their undead overlords. These so called “temples” and “churches”, are where the living come and offer their heads to be feasted upon by the undead in a ritual they call “worship”. And when they leave these houses of worship their conversion is complete. From the “living” to the “living dead”.
Yes, I encountered the Buddha once.
But I was lured in by his “equanimity”, his “boundless compassion”, his “perfect countenance”, his “profound wisdom”, his “inward smiling gaze” and it put me in a sort of zombie-like trance. I hesitated long enough for him to begin nibbling on a part of my brain. (Luckily, it was only the part of my brain that controls social filters. Since then, I’ve been helpless to prevent blurting out whatever the hell is going on in my mind. But, oh well, it could have been worse.)
I realized only at the last moment what was happening. I woke up in the midst of it, to hear a slurping and snacking sound somewhere above my right temple. I reached for the closest and sharpest implement I could find, which (un)fortunately turned out to be a pen. And I stabbed him in the left cornea with all the strength I could muster.
The ball pen made it almost all the way through to the other side.
The fucker didn’t quite die. He just remained sort of twitching with my hand up against his bulging eye socket and the ball pen mere centimeters from coming out the other end.
So, yeah the bastard is still with me.
He goes everywhere I go because as long as I’m holding on to the pen he is pretty useless to do anything to anyone. And every day, I drive the pen just a few millimeters further into the putrefying tissue of what was once a healthy living brain.
This is why I write…
One day at a time. One day at a time.
I’m killing the Buddha, one day at a time…